Saturday, April 14, 2007

The Prince

The Day I met the Prince of the Forest

I woke up this morning with a start, my eyes darted to the clock radio on the nightstand to realize that I was an hour late for check out. I phoned the front desk to find out that if I checked out before the maid cleaned my room then I wouldn't be charged for another day. I spent the next 40 minutes frantically packing up my things. Since I basically live in hotel rooms for a month at a time, I like to have the comforts of home with me, meaning that I bring more than most college freshmen take to their dorms. After cart loads, I was finally all packed and ready to go...ready to go where? The plan was to find a hotel in the west valley of Phoenix that was more affordable than the $130 a night room provided on the company tab. After two blocks I had a thought and I immediately perked up, The Grand Canyon! I called a friend that I had made in the six weeks I had been in Phoenix and asked how to get to the there. After a short interrogation, he told me to take I-17 to Flagstaff, pick up 40 west bound and follow the signs.

Minutes after getting onto the interstate, a tumbleweed blew across the highway in front of me and in my head I could hear the soundtrack of a 60's western. I laughed at myself and turned up the radio, classic rock, and settled in for my 4 hour drive. I sang REO speed wagon, Stevie Ray Vaughn, AC/DC and Lynard Skynard at the top of my lungs as I zipped past cactus plants and desert rock that stretched out into the horizon. As I continued to climb northward and into higher elevation, my radio station went to static and so I switched over to Country Radio and as the miles on my trip odometer climbed up, the temperature outside my window dipped lower. Before long I was entranced by falling snow, and white dusted pine trees. I love how shy snow is! Rain is bold, dropping from the sky to fall on your windshield in big SPLATS, but snowflakes are much more elusive. They will zoom straight toward you, and then at the second before impact will go up and over the car, never connecting with the windshield.

As I pondered the different personalities of precipitation I noticed deer/elk signs along the highway and tried to recall if an elk looked more like a moose or like a deer, and it was just moments later that I found my answer, as I saw an Elk in the median, grazing on frozen tundra. I was so jonesed about it that I had to call and tell someone. The first person that answered their phone was my sister, and I screamed into the phone, "It's snowing, like snowing snowing and I saw an Elk and I'm going to the Grand Canyon!!!" It took awhile to repeat it several more times much much slower before she realized the three separate statements I was attempting to convey. She was not nearly as excited as I wanted her to be, so she put mama on the phone who could appreciate my silly joy. Mama was excited for me, but also concerned that I was traveling in the snow, so I naturally down played the severity of the situation which I am pretty sure is in my contract as a daughter. After a few more conversations, I finally get to Highway 64, which takes me right into the Grand Canyon National Park. I am desperately trying to beat the setting sun, because as a romantic there is nothing sweeter than the idea of my first glimpse of the Grand Canyon to be at sunset.

The Sun is barely still in the sky as I turn into the Park entrance, and it begins to snow again. By this point I am so giddy with anticipation that I am literally bouncing in my seat, although a little disappointed that it is dusk, and the clouds are bleeding gray all over my snow dusted forest. I turn into the very first place where there is a Parking sign and actually turn the ignition off before I put the car in park in my mad dash to get my first view of the Grand Canyon. I lock my car, throw on my hoody and half skip half walk down the trail to receive my first look at this incredible gorge. My breath catches, my eyes widen and I freeze at the enormity of what I see. Grand is not a big enough word, beautiful doesn't come close to what this is. I realize my breath is coming hard as if I have been holding it for a long time. It is snowing hard and the gray clouds are trying to blanket the canyon for the night. I walk the trail and every step is a new vantage point a fresh perspective on this thing that keeps surprising me with its beauty. You get this feeling like your are supposed to whisper in order to show reverence, when all you really want to do is scream. I did neither as I was doing a good job just to keep breathing, as I kept finding reasons to hold my breath.

The gray clouds kept sinking into the canyon as the evening got darker and quieter. I continued to follow the trail desperate to see as much as I could before the falling snow, and impending darkness stole it all from my sight. At a bend in the trail you get this amazing view that stops you in your tracks. I am not sure how long I stood there in that spot trying to memorize every peak and valley. Every color seems new to me and I can't believe I have gone my whole life without this experience. I suddenly realize that I should get out of the park before the snow gets much worse, and think suddenly that I am not sure exactly where the car is. I steal one more glance at the Canyon before turning on the trail to go back the way I came.

I stop short because directly in front of me on the walking trail is a young buck. He has his head tilted a little to the left and I wonder if he has been watching me or if he too has been captured by the magical view. He shakes his head and turns to walk beside the trail. I follow him, stopping to watch as he nibbles on this blade of grass or sniff at that tree branch. I can't believe this is happening and realize that nobody else will either without some kind of proof. I take out my camera phone and snap a couple of pictures of him, he doesn't seem to mind and I would almost swear that he posed like a pro for one of them. I keep following him as he meanders through the brush and think about how majestic he is, how regal. I think about the Disney movie Bambi and how Bambi's dad is the prince of the forest. I giggle at the thought that I just met Grand Canyon Royalty. I decide that if he had a name it would surely be something like Charles, William or Edmond. As I decide matter of factly on Edmond he steps out into the parking lot, 20 yards from my car. He stops to look at me for a moment, dips his head low as if to bow, and I will be damned if I didn't feel inclined to curtsy before he strolls across the parking lot and back into the brush, and as quickly as he appeared, he was gone. I stood still in the parking lot for a moment feeling very much like Snow White with my new wildlife friend. I get into my car to drive out of the park and to the hotel, and keep replaying it over and over in my mind. I know that today was a gift, an experience that I could never duplicate or fabricate. I am writing this now to make sure that I don't forget the details of this amazing day, the day I met the Prince of the Forest.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Slay your own dragons

From the moment girls are born it begins. We are being programmed. For your early years you are force fed the Great Disney classics like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and other such tales of love, romance and handsome Princes that risk life and limb to save you. After childhood, your teenage years, Saved by the Bell and Daytime Soap operas, more of the same story line. So by this point you have started to make certain assumptions about what love and dating is like.

When I was in middle school I really expected high school to be just like Saved by the Bell, My high school years were, in fact, nothing like I had anticipated.

So naturally you would assume that by the time I graduated from high school, moved on to college and into my adult years that I would learn that life is NOTHING like the movies, or like T.V. I did not learn this. I still actually believed that there was ONE person for me, soul mate, my other half, that was out there somewhere. By the time I was 20 I had faith that two people met, fell in love, got married and lived at the least a semi-happy ever after. There is much propaganda to fuel this thought process.

Exhibit A: Romance Novels. Same story every time, boy meets girl, girl has some reason to hate boy, boy pursues girl with undying ferocity until after "the angry kiss" they realize that they are madly in love and live happily ever after.

Exhibit B: Chick flicks. Much like Romance Novels they have a very similar theme, but always the promise that there is one perfect person for everyone, "You complete me." -Jerry McGuire "Id rather fight with you than make love to anybody else." - The Wedding Date, "You make me wanna be a better man." -As Good as it Gets. Girls love this shit, it restores the belief that there is a guy out there that will say the perfect thing at the perfect time and that you will have your "Movie Moment."

and Exhibit C: Primetime T.V. Why does Grey's Anatomy have more viewers every week than any other show, because of all the cool medical stuff? Hell NO! It's because it makes you believe. What is genius about the writing on this show is that the characters are flawed, awkward and damaged enough to give the viewer the message that they are REAL. Thus restoring faith that there really is a McDreamy that you will end up with or at the very least, enough McSteamy's to keep you busy til he realizes you are the one.

We are programmed. Partially because we want to believe. Every now and then you see just enough in real life to make you believe that it DOES happen. Your friend gets married to the perfect guy, at the perfect wedding (in which you actually loved your dress) and appear to have the perfect life...

Until he admits to an affair, they move out of their big shiny new house into separate small apartments. She confesses to you over a pint of Moose Tracks that she has never really been happy and she is relieved that she has a way out. SERIOUSLY? WTF!

And it happens again to your Goody Girl Cousin who he finds in his bed with some random guy in a cowboy hat and spurs that she is riding like its the last 8 seconds of the Rodeo Finals...

And again to your next door neighbor, who is loading her stuff in to a U-haul and tells you "We just drifted apart."

And Again to the girl at work who missed a couple days to "Iron Out" the legalities of the restraining order he put on her when she torched all his stuff on the front lawn because there were an alarming amount of text messages on his cell phone bill attributed to some "Home Wrecking Hussy, whose name is actually Chastity, can you BELIEVE that?"

And so it goes, because we are not equipped to handle what real relationships are like. Because there are too few movie moments. Because you realize that the honey moon doesn't really last forever. Because you finally understood after a couple years that you settled, or you got married to young. And because after years of feeling unappreciated someone else pays attention to all the wonderful things about you that your partner has seemed to have forgotten.

I hope I am wrong, and I hope that people really can be matched on "the 29 dimensions of compatibility" by the wonderful non enterprising folks of e-harmony. I hope that "True Love" really exists, it happens, and most of all that it lasts, but I see no evidence to support this.

I am not completely giving up on this, after all you can't undo overnight, decades of conditioned response, but at the least I will see the chick flicks, grey's anatomy's and etc as what they are, fantasy produced and marketed for my entertainment.

Update:
I have since found my Charming Prince, got married and am pursuing my happy ever after. I'll let you know how it goes. So far.... so good.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

13 heartbreaks and the Broken Road

July 26, 2006

Okay, this is partially in response to my dear friend Jarrod's recent blog in which he discusses love. Here are my thoughts on the subject.

You are falling without remembering stumbling, You come out of you shell so to speak, but not until the exact moment that you are blinded by the exquisite brightness do you realize that you have been previosly engulfed by darkness. Colors are more vibrant, your senses are sharpened. And you are so unexplicably happy, that it it scary. For me that is what falling in love is like. Here you are just bee-bopping along, loving life, doing the work thing and then BAM! you are in it. Not sure how you got there, but it is sooo great!

The unfortunate thing is that a lot of people don't even realize they are in love until it is gone. Poor saps, you have to feel sorry for them, not even getting to appreciate it. I read once that statistically people think that they are "in love" 13 times before they actually find "the one." Let me be the Master of the Obvious for just a second here but that means 13 heartbreaks, 13! That is like touching an iron just to see if it is hot; You know there is damn good possibly you will get burned, but you do it anyway just to see? Insanity!!!

So this is usually how it goes, you meet somebody, you are immiediately attracted to them and your first thought is "Okay he's/she's cute, but what is wrong with them." So somewhere in your acquaintance you discover how much you have in common and how funny the other person is until it becomes just the two of you, two peas in a pod if you will, against all the wackos, and freaks in this world. So naturally you share yourself. You reveal your hopes and dreams You tell him/her about your family. You make them meet your friends (only partly to get their approval) You go places together, have amazing sex (73% of women polled said that the sex they are having right now is the best they have ever had.) and they reciprocate. Basically you invite someone else into your world.

So here you are floating in enamoured bliss when uh-oh something goes wrong, and the more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. So what do you do? You do not want to lose this love, so you grab on with both hand and frantically pull it back to you. You are convinced that you can control it, if you try hard enough. Possibly you are one of those people who choose not to acknowledge the problem in hopes that it will just go away. But it is lost. So when your lover escapes, OOPS I mean leaves, they take with them, that emotional, physical, or spirtual part of you that you gave them. I think that is the "broken" part.

So now you have this void inside of you that you have to fill. The most popular method is to fill it with Tequila or your favorite booze at least for a couple days. You promise yourself that you will not be stupid anymore, that you will get through this. you surround yourself with the people who have always loved you the most, family and friends. And so you begin to heal. You are at a point now that you have have replaced all the bitterness and hate of your broken relationship with hope and resolve. You aren't broken anymore, so what do you do, you go and find love again. Sounds crazy right?

Each time that your heart gets broken and your realionship fails you change. Each time you become a new person, one who is ready for a different kind of realtionship. You teach yourself to be more cautious, to ask more, reveal less. You are smarter, wiser with new tricks. You are slowly, painfully becoming the person that you need to be when you find "the one." The unfortunate thing is that each new lover has to pay for the old lovers mistakes, but that is the price you pay in love. All of the pain, the tears, the booze, the mistakes, one night stands and bad breakups are the "Broken Road." The Broken Road, that scary winding path that you travel to find by accident or mishap the one person that you are meant to be with.

Weary traveler, don't despair. When your heart is broken and you feel that there is no hope, just remember that you are almost there. Just around the next bend or over the next hill, you will find it, or it will find you. Does it really take 13 times? I hope not, I am sure it is less for some and more for others. Just know that it IS out there. Don't settle, don't put up with love. I've always said that I would rather have I love I couldn't live without than one I could stand to live with. SO, with that said, I guess i should kick the tires and light the fires cause it looks like it is gonna be a long bumpy ride.